Despite loving it, and wanting to do more of it, I don’t find writing a particularly easy task. The thoughts contained in my head which seem to flow freely and lend themselves to the page get lodged somewhere between my brain and hand. But even before that point I can’t always find the motivation to write. I can have paper and pen and time and even a topic to write about, but struggle to get anything off the ground. I have summarised the reasons for this below, in a neatly ordered list:
- Lack of audience: There’s a certain amount of vanity in writing a blog. I don’t like admitting that I write because I think my opinions or knowledge are worth sharing, or that I crave the attention of an audience. Of course I enjoy the act of writing itself, especially the tangibility of putting pen to paper, and I’m a keen diarist when the mood takes me. But I can do that without publishing it on a public forum where anyone can read it. The fact is I write for an audience because in my head I can only justify writing if it’s going to be a source of attention from other people. Therefore having nobody read what I write is an instant motivation-killer. Frustratingly, though, I find it difficult to promote my blog and increase my audience because of point number 2.
- Self-consciousness: I constantly worry about what other people will think if they read what feels like quite a personal insight into my thoughts. The fear of critique means I struggle to start a piece, and then will spend far too long re-reading and editing anything I do finish, in the hope of making it more interesting. I inevitably go beyond the point of diminishing returns, where the amount of time I put into something fails to increase the quality in any meaningful way. But I don’t just want people to read what I write, I want them to like it too.
- Information bias/incorrect assumptions: One reason I spend so long worrying about being interesting and insightful is because halfway through writing something I will, without fail, be struck down by my internal monologue saying something like “what’s the point. Everyone reading this will either already know everything you have to say, or just won’t care”. This is caused by information bias, where your brain subconsciously assumes everyone else is privy to the information you are. It might also conceivably be the product of an underdeveloped ‘theory of mind’, which is the skill humans have to determine how other people are thinking or feeling. The fact is that most people are in between the extremes of “know everything” and “don’t care”, with the majority falling in the “some interest, some knowledge” portion of a normal distribution. But that’s something I have to remind myself of constantly.
- Inconsistency of style: Despite the above reasons, I force myself to write because I figure it’s the only way I’ll improve, and it’s not for me to judge what other people think of my work. Besides, I’ve been told that the secret to good journalism isn’t being a brilliant writer but to have novel ideas and interesting angles (though I also doubt my ability to achieve those). But my desire to be more journalistic is often at odds with the conversational style of my self-indulgent reflective work that I write for personal pleasure, and the more formal scientific style I developed over the course of my degree. This results in me seesawing between different styles whilst achieving none of them satisfactorily.
- Bad endings: My desire is to finish everything I write with something witty, inspiring and insightful in equal measure, so that means before I can publish anything I have to think of a great ending. Usually I fail.